Dreaming Of Him
by SuedeGirl
Summary: Nick is still dating with other guys but he's thinking all the time about someone from the DNA lab. Based on the first and second season. Nick's POV. Warning: other pairings. Nick/Greg slash. UPDATE
1. A Cop

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

"Hi, Nick." Roger greeted with me when I came up to him. Again he had found out a new place to hang out. I had no idea from where he got the money only to invite me to all the new fanciest restaurants. I had never paid for myself because Roger was always faster in giving tips. I wanted to talk with him about that he did not need to do it. But he was stubborn as a mule.

"I hope you will like the new place." He said and smiled widely. "Opened last week."

Roger tapped my arm. Sometimes I really hated his attitude to impress me. It was artificial and forced. Of course I should think differently. The creation of an impression was a way to show me his true feelings. I knew Roger's past and how important it was for him to give me his attention, presents, invitantions to places where I had never been. It was so clear that I needed to appreciate his endeavors. But I could not. It was harder with everyday. I was sure that he noticed it, so that was the reason to invite me to the new restaurant in Vegas. Roger wanted to repair and understand my own behavior.

We walked up to a big hall. The waiter showed us our table and gave us menus. I looked around a little bit. It was definitely the most expensive restaurant Roger had taken me to. Again I wanted to say that he did not need to do such a things for me. But his grin stopped my words. In his eyes I saw a mirror of intensive white lights from the decorative lamps on the walls and the big lusters hanging from the white ceiling.

"I know what you want to say." On his face was a little smile. "So I'll tell you my dear Nicky the answer."

I did not like when he called me _my dear_. My mom can call my dad that but not my lover me. This time I was not in the mood to tell Roger again how much I hated it. That would change into the lover's teasing which was starting to be more and more annoying for me.

"Everything the best for you, Nicky." His voice was soft and sweet. From this moment I knew that Roger spotted something in my beahviour. And I was afraid what. Something concrete? Or maybe only a small signs of change?

"So..." Roger opened his menu. "What does my baby have a taste for?" He usually have been glancing at me when he said baby. But not this time. Roger pretended to be reading the menu. "Let me guess, steak with..." I gazed at his face. It was so easy to see in his eyes that something was wrong. The scariest thing was that I did not want to comfort him, say that everything was OK, no need for worry. It was wrong. Wrong for him. Maybe for me too. I was somewhere between curiosity, certainty and a lack of self confidence.

"You're right." I said with my normal tone. I am not a good actor but for this moment I was trying really hard to hide my uncertainty. "Like always." I added just to see him smiling.

Why did I still want to lie to Roger? His sweet face expression made me smile too. My mask worked.

I was not sure. I was not sure of everything that had happened in last few days. Actually, who I want to kid? Myself? Love at the first sight was a stupid myth in which I had never believed. But when I met...

"Gentlemen." The waiter said. "What do you want to order?"

Roger made a decision about what we would eat tonight. I did not mind it. He knew me very well. Maybe now too well. Again he smiled at me. A nice and warm smile which was so close to me, probably only in last month for a two days. Now I thought it was annoying. I should have felt ashamed because of that. But even that feeling disappeared under the flashback of someone's sparkling deep brown eyes.

Roger's eyes were blue. A deep and cold colour.

"Nicky."

"Yes?"

"I know that you're not feeling good now but..." Roger clenched his lips. "I really, really want to be with you." Did I feel desperation in his voice? It was so strange. That was not his style. "I see the future with you, Nicky. I see us together..." The word "forever" stopped in his throat. I hated myself. In such an important moment for him my face was telling nothing. Completly nothing. "And I like..." On his face grew a big, but not confident, smile. "I like to treat you like now. Like no one else ever could." I saw in his eyes that he wanted to hold my hand but we were in a public place. We could not. I could not, no matter of the people around.

"It's nice Roge." I said. I was not able to say more. Maybe he would catch it as a positive thing. I forced a small smile. For Roger dealing with problems in relationship was really difficult. He totally did not know how to act, how to change someone's mind, how to tell that I was the most important person in his life. Is it cruel from my side that I knew Roger's affection but had been starting to not care about this?

"So how's in work?" Roger asked. "We haven't seen each other for some time. You were so busy with a few cases. We even haven't met at the crime scenes. I saw only Catherine, and the new one. Sara, right?" I nodded. "I guess you're tired."

"Not that much, Roge." I said. "There was a lot of work, but now I want only to relax."

For a few seconds I thought that I saw somebody. A tall and skinny guy with dark brown wavy hair. Firstly I noticed only his back. When he turned and I saw his face I understood that he was not that person I wanted him to be.

"Who have you seen?" Roger asked. He was staring at me a moment when I was looking around at a guy who reminded me of someone else. "Nicky? Do you hear me?"

"Yeah, sure." I turned my head to him. "I thought that there was someone who I know."

"Who you know?"

The waiter gave us our meals.

"One lab tech. The guy really looked like him." I took a knife and a fork to cut first piece of my steak. I didn't look at Roger's eyes.

"Lab tech? I don't think he has enough money for this kind of place."

I glanced at him. I noticed a smirk on his face.

"And you have enough money?"

"Stupid question, silly. Where are we now?" He grinned. Never liked this grin. It looked malicious. "I can do much for you, Nicky, even everything."

"Yeah." I nodded and forced another smile.

"You're not so talkative today." He was fumbling at puree.

I gave him another smile. What else I could do?

"Oh no..." Roger burst into the quiet laughter.

"What?" I asked.

"We forgot something." He looked at me very intensely. "Don't you think that we need to have something on this table?"

I whisked my eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Wine. We need a red wine and I of course forgot about it."

"So order it." I started again to eat my steak.

Roger ordered a red wine and we had been sitting and not talking. Around us were a lot of sounds – music played by the stringed quartet, quiet voices of the guests, clangs of the cutlery. But we, me and Roger were silent, only eating our meals. Few weeks ago we would talk a lot and laugh. Our voices would be a part of all the guests' voices in a restaurant. No one there was sitting in silence like us.

The waiter gave us a bottle of a fine wine. He poured a red liquid into the glasses.

"So tell me something about this guy." Roger said when he took his glass of wine.

"What guy?" I looked at him surprised.

"This lab tech who you mentioned."

"What? Why are you talking about him?" I sipped the wine.

"Just because." He shrugged.

I didn't understand what he wanted to say behind these words. Jealous? Now?

"He's just a young lab tech. Nothing more. What do you want to know?"

"I want to know what are you thinking about him."

I tried to act being surprised. But this time my shabby actor's skills didn't help me. Roger quickly noticed my hesitation.

"He's nice." I started to say.

"It's not enough." Roger pierced his eyes at me. "Tell me more."

"Roge, what's your point?"

"You tell me."

I sighed and put the cutlery aside.

"His name is Greg Sanders, DNA lab tech from San Fran. Tall, slender, brown hair, brown eyes. He's a funny guy and always makes me laugh. And yes, I think he's handsome and very attractive. If you saw him you would say the same." I said that quite fast but Roger caught every word. He was really jealous about Greg. "Sometimes it's hard to take my eyes off him. But I think it's normal to look at someone else when he's fine. Don't you think?"

Roger nodded. He did not believe in my words. Actually, he believed the part where I said that Greg is handsome and very attractive for me.

"Roge, he's only a pretty face."

"Of course. Pretty face with a slender body and easy-going character."

I understood why he did not believe me. I could not believe myself either. Greg was not only a pretty face for me. But it was only fantasies. He showed me few times that he was interested in me. It was so obvious. But I was in a serious relationship, and acting like an idiot around Greg. Probably he is thinking that I was unsure about myself, or just diffident. Of course, I was not unsure about myself. I always considered my attitude as a confident. But Greg, his existence was driving me crazy.

"I've been waiting long enough for your answer, Nick."

I clenched my lips. I wanted to say something but what? No matter what I said, he would find out that a young lab tech was someone more than a work mate. I wished he was more than that. Roger was a cop. He could easily notice when a suspect or his lover was lying. Just like now. And I could not help myself.

I hated his judging eyes. Now I was feeling like a suspect. A suspect who is guilty and after few minutes, after one essential question is going to jail.

"I like him as a work mate, Roge."

"You're lying." He said it with a peremptory tone. Just like we would have been in a interrogation room. "Just tell me that you're interested in someone else. I don't need more."

"But where do you get this idea from?" I asked. I could not believe that Roger made this discussion like that. Did I give him reasons to be jealous except today in the restaurant?

"I was in the lab one day, 'cause friend asked me to do something. So I came and thought that maybe I would say hello to you. There's nothing wrong with that, right? I gave Catherine an envelope from our department and then what did I see?" Roger stared at me meaningfully. "You with this tall and slender guy, Greg Sanders. Smiling, joking, and tapping his arm when you were waiting for the results. I hardly waited when you gonna hug him or give a kiss on this lovely soft and smooth cheek. Fuck, Nick. You was hitting on him and you know what. Sanders liked it too. This guy could easily jump into your bed. I'm sure he still not. But..."

"Stop it."

"Why? It's only a matter of time 'til he's going to share your bed."

"Roger, shut up!" My voice was a little bit too loud and some guests looked at us surprised. After a few seconds they went back to their meals. "You saw us once. And what you interpreted as a hitting on meant nothing. Do you get it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Oh yeah, and now you will try to convince me that he's straight?"

"No."

"Thank you for being honest."

"Roger."

"When Greg." He hissed his name. "Gave you results and you went to do your work he was staring at you. For a very long. Staring at every part of your hot body. It's really easy to see when someone wants to go to bed with you. Lust in his eyes. Your work mate even licked his lips. Sorry, Nicky. That's true. And you like this whore's tune."

"This discussion makes no sense. I can't deny that I see Greg as a very attractive guy but talking about his lust is a bullshit. Roger, I'm with you, not with him."

"Nicky, do you remember when I was in your house last week?"

I nodded.

"When you were sleeping you said his name."

"What?" I could not believe it.

"That's enough for me, Nicky." Roger took a wallet from his pocket. "Here's money for the meal." He gave me a few bills. "I lost a year of my life and future 'cause of one tall and slender lab tech named Greg Sanders."

When he stood up and took a few steps beside me, I caught his wrist. I was very close to catching his palm, but luckily I stopped myself from doing the most stupid thing in a public place for me ever. I would never try to hold someone's hand in such a place. I was so angry because of my own behaviour. I should not do it, even try. I was not only afraid of people's looks but mostly Roger's reaction. Did I give him hope? Some kind of a weak chance? Or maybe he just wanted to make a theater here – a silly play of a jealous lover? I had no idea. The only thought that I made a big mistake was paralysing. I looked at my past lover's eyes deeply. He saw it as a chance. Not a chance for him. A chance for me. I was the beggar for Roger's heart. In his eyes, the only person who needed to understand mistakes was me. I hated myself.

I was lying to him, I was lying to myself, I was lying to Greg, even if he did not know about it.

"Please, sit down," I said sheepishly.

Roger pouted and nodded.

"Why?" he asked.

I still was holding his wrist.

"'Cause we can't end up like this."

"How?" His voice was silent but cruel. "You don't like when things are not completely ended, right? But you see that everything has an end here. You don't need to worry about it. You don't need to say anything. It's over. A very clear over."

"Roge, please, sit." I repeated my earlier words. "We really need to talk."

"Nick, about what? About your new lover? You want to tell me how amazing he is?"

I spotted the guests sitting close to us turning their heads. Surely they heard a few words, and surely knew that was lovers' arguing. I cared about it. I did not like situations like that. Roger knew about it and probably intentionally made this circus. But he made it because I wished him to say these painful words. _My new lover_. Did I see Greg in that way? A lover? A future lover?

"Please, let me go," Roger hissed. "We don't have words to say."

I sighed.

"True," I said. "We don't." I let his wrist go.

"Goodbye, Nicky." His voice was calm and I did not feel the smallest sign of malice.

He looked at me. But I could not even glance at him. I was staring at the table covered by a white tablecloth and my plate with pieces of unfinished steak on it. In my stomach was a bowling ball. I thought that I could vomit. I felt only shame. Why did I always need to do such stupid things?


	2. Pretending

Greg was sitting in his DNA lab and listening to some hard rock music. He totally did not care about Grissom's warnings. I did not like this kind of music, but watching Greg's crazy dancing all over the lab was a cute experience. I still could not believe how he was able to find a good rhythm for dancing in this cacophony of electric guitars, synthesizers and drums. I liked watching his movements – perfectly smooth and regular. And not only when he was dancing, but even when he was working. Greg was very precise in everything he did in the lab. Sometimes I got a feeling that he had planned some moves much earlier. Silly, but it was so hard to shake off this idea from my head when I watched him working.

"Nick." Greg called me suddenly. "I have the results for Catherine."

"I'm not working with her," I said when I came up to his lab. "And how did you..."

"Your piercing eyes just drilled a hole in the wall." He grinned and gave me a few papers. Greg was always sitting on the chair in his very flippant way when I was watching. "Even a blind man would feel it on his back."

I clenched my lips and tried not to do something stupid. Or flirtatious.

"Relax, man," he said slackly. "You look a little bit..."

"Like what?" I gave him a smile which was impossible to classify as a sign of coquettishness. Anyway, I hoped so. It was hard to guess what Greg was thinking at the moment. Maybe he saw how hard I was trying to not show my interest in him.

"Not tired, maybe more sad..."

I laughed quietly.

"Wait. I know."

I whisked my eyebrows.

"A girl broke up with you." On his face grew a big mischievous smile. "Definitely…you have the signs of a break-up."

"Greg, can you hear yourself?"

"I look the same as you do when I've broken up with someone. Totally smashed."

"I'm not smashed." I denied it and made my voice unhesitating.

"Yeah." Greg nodded and compounded his eyes. "Of course."

He glanced at me and winked meaningfully. It was really a sweet sign. We both knew the implication but neither of us would say it out loud. Greg and I had a funny game, like a cat and mouse. This time, I was the mouse. All because I always needed to act like an idiot when he was around. Why? What was the difference between him and a random guy who I could meet anywhere else?

"I need to get back to work." I glanced at the papers but it was totally unnecessary. Of course Greg knew that. "I won't disturb you anymore, I think." I walked up to the door.

"Just stop drilling through the walls," Greg said and smiled. "Don't you see how full of holes they are? It's all your fault."

I gazed at him over my shoulder when I was holding the door handle. Oh God, what a beautiful smile he had.

When I was walking along the corridor, I felt that Greg was staring at me. Surely with his small, sweet smile that I loved so much. What was he thinking? That he already caught me in his net? Greg could be sure that he got me. I would not deny it. On his words, look, smile, anything. We had never touched in the way we both wanted. Now, it was a matter of time. But why was I still waiting for his step? Why could I not make it on my own?

I felt a delicate tap on my arm. I turned around.

"Greg, what do you..." I stopped in the middle of the question. It was not Greg.

"Greg?" Catherine asked me and raised her eyebrows. "Why Greg?" A smile appeared on her face.

"I talked with him few minutes back."

"He told me. Can you give me my results?"

"Yeah, sure." I gave her a folder with papers.

"Thanks. And by the way. Why are you walking this way when you know that I'm there?" She showed me the right direction which was across the corridor but on the other side. I should go to the right, not left.

I sighed. Why was I always an idiot when Greg was piercing me with his beautiful brown eyes?

Suddenly I heard my mobile phone beeping.

"I'm sorry, Cath." I glanced at the display. This was the last number I wanted to see. I just clenched my lips. "Important call," I said with an irony in my voice. Cath was smart. She knew what was going on. Even when I did not tell her a word.

"Have fun on your date." She winked.

"Good joke," I said when she turned around and went to her office. "Very funny," I added and hit the green button. "Hi, Mark." I tried to make my tone a little bit nicer than my thoughts. "Why did you call me? We haven't seen each other for ages."

Why did I say that? Why did I mention that we haven't seen each other? Some day, my kindness would destroy me.

"Just wanted to hear your sexy voice." I heard a very obvious answer. What else could this guy tell me? I smirked. "I'm back in town, Nick. So..."

"Now I'm at work and busy."

"Say yes or no. Of course, if you don't have another date or, geez, boyfriend."

I sighed. My steps guided me to the restroom and the coffee machine. I hated this slipslop from it but I wanted my hands to be busy with anything or I would throw away my mobile phone. I turned on a machine which was always working really loud. So some of Mark's words did not reach my ears. But of course, a question about a date was impossible to not to spot. I really needed to stop pretending that I was listening to him.

"I just broke up with someone and I don't think that I should date anyone these days. I would rather be alone."

"Poor Nick is broken-hearted. Let me heal it." I saw in my mind his wide and sickly sweet smile. "You know what's the best thing to heal a broken heart? Don't need to tell me. 'Cause I know you'll deny it. Don't let me ask too much. I know what you need on days like these. And it's not being a loner." His voice was full of stupid and shallow meanings. I was too kind. I should stop this talk from the beginning.

"Go for it." I heard a voice behind me. A very sweet voice, which I wanted to hear every morning and night. "Go for a date. It's the best solution." Greg grinned at me and came to the restroom. "How I hate this coffee." He grasped and took his own cup from the wall cupboard .

"Who was that?" Mark asked me. "I don't know who he is but he's right. You know that."

Greg was not in his lab coat. He wore a light green buttoned shirt today with a little non-intensive gold sheen, a pair of a-little-bit-baggy blue jeans so I could not admire the perfect lines of his bum. But his shirt was not too long this time, but quite short. Thanks to that, I saw the brown belt around his waist and, a little bit higher, a stripe of underpants and few millimeters of his milk-white skin when he was bending to open a drawer. I was sure that he felt me staring at him. I wanted so much to raise his shirt and start to kiss every centimeter of his smooth skin and stroke...

"Maybe you'll tell him that you're gonna go to that date, at last," Greg said suddenly. "It's not nice when you're keeping somebody in suspense, especially your date." He smiled at me mischievously. He was such a tease.

"Ok Mary, where we gonna meet?" Damn, why did I call Mark, Mary? He laughed really hard.

"Nicky, I know you like strange games but this one I don't know." He giggled like a little girl. He told me the name of a club that I had been to a few times with Roger. It did not matter. I just wanted to end this conversation as fast as I could.

"So, see you later," I said and hit the END button.

Greg sipped coffee from a mug. He was leaning his hips against the counter. I wanted so much to come to him and wrap my arms around his waist, seat him on that counter and kiss his neck. Hear his silent, fast breathing...

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me and glanced.

I looked at him a little bit surprised, which was a very bad idea. I felt like my cheeks started to burn. I was sure that my face turned red. And Greg saw it. His smirk was small but so clear.

"Right. I understand. You just thought about what you will do with your date." He grinned.

But there was something strange in this grin. It was not so obvious. Like he knew about my little lies.

"Maybe coffee?" he asked and gave me a second mug which I did not notice earlier. "One day this dishwater will kill you." I took a mug from him. For a few seconds, the tips of our fingers touched.

I felt the tension in every fibre of my body. I saw in his eyes that he felt the same. Beautiful sparkles in Greg's brown eyes. The corners of his lips raised a little bit higher. He would not show me more here. Damn, he knew how much I wanted him. I was like an open book for him. Every word was clear, every written page was learned by him, by heart. So why was he still playing with me in this strange game?

We were both sure about our feelings, what we wanted from each other. But I was not confident enough when he was around and Greg…Greg liked to tease and flirt. He was doing it all the time. I spotted when he was flirting with Catherine and then with Sara. I was not sure but maybe it was intentional and Greg wanted me to see how easy-going he was about flirting and love. I did not feel bad because he had few chats with women. He did not look at them like he looked at me. Flirting was an easy way to communicate for him. Much easier than normal or official talk. That was a part of Greg's character which I loved.

"I need to work," Greg said and drank the last drops of his coffee from the mug. "I have a backlog. Feddies asked about testing twenty samples." He left his mug in the sink. "And you have fun on your date." Greg grinned and walked out from the restroom.

Why did he do that? Why did he want me to go on a date with someone else?

"Oh, I almost forgot." Greg came back to the restroom suddenly. "I'm sure your date is a very pretty girl." On his face, a significant smile grew.

I laughed.

"Yeah, she's pretty." I nodded.

"I'm sure about your good taste."

Damn, Greg. Why did you make so many complications? It was easy. Just you and me and a dinner. I did not want more.

"So, have fun."

He went back to his lab and I stared at him as he walked along the corridor. I sipped the rest of my coffee, thanks to which I touched Greg's finger tip. I shut my eyes for a while just to imagine that he was still with me. He was kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. I could raise Greg's green shirt and stroke his smooth skin gently. I wanted him to be so close to me.

"Hi, Nick." Warrick and Sara came into the room. They both wanted a slipslop from the coffee machine.

"How can you drink it?" Warrick said when he put a mug to the machine.

"I can't," I answered and smiled. "Greg made me one."

"Oh, right." Sara sighed. "We also heard some news."

I liked her voice. In it was something really melodic. Even when she was angry, her voice still was pretty nice to hear.

"That you're going on a date with girl named Mary," Warrick added when the machine poured a black slipslop into his mug.

"Let me guess. Sanders." I grinned. "Next time I'll ask him what I'm gonna do in the next week."

They both laughed.

"Move, man," Warrick said when he came up to me. "This couch is not only for you." He sat beside me.

Sara decided to sit on a chair. When she drank the coffee, she flinched.

"Oh, God. What the hell is that?"

"Poor dishwater," I answered.

"So tell us, Nick, about your girl," Warrick said to me. "I thought that Sanders knew something, so I asked him first. He said nothing."

Of course he said nothing. He knew perfectly well what kind of girl I would date.

"It's a past thing. She came to the city and just thought that she'd meet me."

Warrick was my best buddy in the crime lab. We liked each other from the beginning. I would be a liar if I did not say that Rick was a damn attractive guy. But it was only an opinion, a result of my simple observations. His vibes of heterosexuality were as strong as a wall. He had no signs of fascination with other guys. These circumstances were very easy to treat for me. Warrick was my best friend and I never had different feelings for him than that. It made me proud of myself. For a long time, I thought it was impossible because of stupid stereotypes. But me and Warrick were a good example that friendship and sexual attraction were two very unrelated things. Unfortunately in our contacts was a small catch. Rick did not know about my preferences. His heterosexual attitude was not too sensitive for other signals like homosexual ones.

I was always creating myself as a player with many girls in the past. Obviously Warrick bought it, but sometimes my behaviour said that my taste was totally different. Not many people found out. I was sure about Catherine, but she said no word about my private life, like relationships. She had been giving me only meaningful smiles and winks. But it could be only a part of her character and maybe she truly did not know about me. Sara had not been in the crime lab long. But she was a very smart person. Surely she would find it out. Grissom did not care about such things.

"Lucky guy," Warrick said and tapped my arm in a friendly manner. "When were you last on a date, man? Ages ago?"

I could not tell him the truth.

"I guess," I answered. "When is there free time? When you get home, you want only sleep or watch TV."

"This job is not good when you want to built a relationship outside the lab," Sara said and sipped a coffee. Her flinch was really funny. "And when you're on a date you can only talk about the last case." She coughed.

"I have no problems with it," Warrick added.

"Yeah, you damn player," I said.

Warrick poked my arm.

"Shut up."

Me and Sara burst into laughter.

Sometimes I got the feeling that between her and Warrick was a strange connection. Their relationship did not start in a good way, but after the obstacles they understood each other much better. This chemistry could change into something deeper, I thought. But at the same time, I knew that was impossible. It was not only a matter of their views on relationships in work, but their characters also. They were too similiar in many situations so they would not be able to see more of themselves than in the lab and at the crime scene. Damn, all these ideas about them together were just stupid. When I had my love interest all the time I was looking for other signs of deeper feelings around me. It was silly. Why did I have those ideas sometimes? Warrick and Sara together was not a good thing. They would argue in every conflict situation. They both were dominant. Neither of them would admit that the other was right.

"OK, guys." I stood up. "I need to get ready for my date."

"You're so lucky." Sara glanced at me. "Free day."

"And don't harm Sanders," Warrick added. "Like cutting up his tongue."

I grinned. I would rather do other things to Greg's tongue but I kept that thought to myself.

"No, I won't."


	3. A Fireman

I was waiting for Mark outside the bar. I checked the time. I was not surprised that he was late once again. His bad habit was really annoying, but more annoying were his excuses. I did not remember any that made sense. I could not believe that I had been forgiving him for so long. And again I would hear a fictitious story and could not stop the flow of his words.

"Nicky!" I heard Mark's voice behind my back. "I'm so sorry that I'm..."

"Late," I added. "Again."

"You know me..."

"Yeah." I nodded. "Sometimes I think that I know you too much."

"I'll take that as a compliment." He smiled.

I shrugged.

Mark was a very good-looking guy. Tall, maybe a little bit too skinny, natural dark hair, green eyes. At first sight, I thought he was perfect. At this moment he was really far from my imaginary portrayal of him. Mark was slightly camp. That did not bother me too much. Sometimes I was kind of camp. Really, not very often but I could not deny it.

"So are you happy that I'm back?" Mark asked.

"Sure, why not?"

We walked up to the bar and found a free table.

"I think I'll find a job and try to live here again."

We both sat.

"Your decision."

We ordered two beers.

I did not want this discussion to be encouraging for him. Any postive replay from my side would be a sign for Mark that he could try again to be with me. We were hardly ever together. It was probably cruel but I really thought like that. We had a few months in which I could consider us a couple. But our relationship was far from a good or healthy one. It was not toxic, but very rugged.

"You're looking a little bit nervous." Mark paid more attention on my body language which, sometimes, was very clear to interpret. "Can you tell me why?"

I glared at his oval-shaped face through the smoke from a cigarette which he lit up a few minutes earlier. We sat in the area for smokers. I did not mind smoking. Maybe Greg was a smoker? I had never asked him about it. Honestly, I had not enough time and strength to ask about more personal stuff. When Greg wanted to say something from his private life, he just said it. I was not that open, but I really wished to be. But only for him.

"Nick, I asked you a question." Mark touched my hand which was lying beside a pint of beer. I withdrew my palm quickly, like his fingers burned mine.

"Calm down," he said. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

"No, Mark. I was just lost in thought."

"I hope not about...you know." Across his face came a smirk. "I really hope..."

"Mark." I pierced him with my eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh my God, Nick." He hid his lips under his palm. Mark's eyes were laughing. "You're not thinking..."

"What?"

I hated it when he did that. He knew it was irritating for me, but totally did not care. He had a lot of fun because of it.

"I'll answer your never asked questions."

I whisked my eyebrows. Mark noticed my surprised face.

"Technically it's a date." He sipped few drops of beer. "We can call it that, but there's a catch."

"I spotted that it's a date," I added. "So where's the catch?"

"Simple."

I shrugged.

"I have no idea."

"You're a CSI, Nick. You should be smarter than me. I'm only a fireman who often climbs after little kitties up trees and fights fire occasionally." He was smiling all the time. "What do I know about the secrets of the human mind?"

"Stop teasing me." I compounded my eyes. "Mark," I said with a trembling voice.

"Tell me what's in your mind." He stopped my words. "I know what are you thinking, but I want to hear it from you."

Surprisingly, during this discussion Mark was more dominant. Usually he only answered my questions, nuzzling against me like a little puppy, and never controlled the situation.

"C'mon, Nick. You're my suspect." Mark smiled widely. "You must co-operate or you're going to jail."

"Just say what you want clearly."

"I want you to say it."

I sighed.

"You know that I'm annoying," Mark said.

I nodded.

"Repeat my words." Mark bent his head to me. "I thought you wanted to come back to me."

I could not spit any words out. Even a simple question like _what?_

"You see. That's exactly what you thought."

"You're right," I agreed. "If you're good at reading my mind, maybe you'll guess what I want to say about it?"

"I don't need to read your mind." His voice was still sweet but not sickly. It was really nice and calming. "I'll only say what I'm thinking about this date."

"OK." I nodded. "Tell me."

"I'm not here to get you back. I just wanted to see you as a friend, nothing more, hon." Mark quickly touched my hand. I did not take it from him this time.

I felt a strong relief. And the funniest thing? With the relief, I was a little bit disappointed. In my head I had many ideas how to tell Mark that I was not interested in him any more. From very delicate versions which would make small tears in his eyes, to more aggressive options if he had been importunate too much. But all these plans were only in my mind, and as always, nothing happened in reality like I wanted. And by the way, I was not disappointed only because of the scenario of our meeting. It was something else, too, and I felt so bad. I was hoping that Mark would want me back. I could not believe that I really liked this thought. I should not but it was stronger than me. All the time, in my mind, I wanted to hear words like _I want to have you back_. It was not even nice. Nothing more than my personal pride.

Mark smiled again.

"So..." He drawled sometimes words characteristically.

"What?" I asked, relaxed, though it was possible to find in my voice a tone of disappointment.

"Let's start from the beginning."

I laughed.

"How?"

Mark winked.

"As usual," he answered. "Let's say hi once again."

I smiled and scratched my head.

"If you think it'll be OK."

"Nice to see you again, Nick."

"You too, Mark. What have you been doin' all the time when you were out of town?"

This time he laughed.

"I was in a couple of places. But didn't find a place to stay. I think I missed Vegas, really. With all these shiny neons, noisy casinos, hookers on every corner of the biggest streets, guys with guns and big money, parties Vegas style..."

I was not sure why but my mind stopped at the word _hookers_. In my heart something ached. And it was not a good feeling.

"That's a lot," I added.

"Yeah." Mark nodded. "And of course, I missed all my old friends."

"Last but not least," I said with a grin.

We clinked our glasses of beer and sipped a bit.

"And what about you, Nicky? All this time in Vegas? Have you been home? Or maybe you have some spicy news?"

"What do you mean by _spicy_ _news_?" I asked with an innocent smile.

Mark grinned.

"I don't know, are you acting stupid or are you just stupid?"

I laughed.

"Think."

"So who is he?" He winked. "Surely, tall and skinny, handsome with a baby face. You like the hero type so maybe a detective?"

"Hero type?"

"You know, cops, firemen." Another wink by Mark.

"Oh, that's what you mean. No, he's not a hero type. He's a little bit more than that. I mean..."

"That he's not a cop or fireman or whatever." Mark stopped my words. "I know what you mean." He smiled. "So?"

"He's a lab tech."

Mark glanced at me, surprised. I was not ready for that.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nicky, romance at work."

"Yeah." I nodded. "But Mark, this guy is..." I moaned quietly. "Pure perfection."

"I won't deny it, but you know how it is with these kinds of romances."

I cleared my throat.

"How?"

Mark looked at me a little bit disappointed.

"We both know that hanging out with guys from work is not a good idea. And it's not only about seeing each other every day and then at home. What if you have quiet days? You can't avoid your partner at work, especially in the crime lab. You can't ask everyone else to go for the results. And your attempts to avoid each other would be quite suspicious." Mark sipped his beer. "And what about breaking up?"

"Geez, Mark."

"Oh no, Nicky." He wagged his finger. "Sorry, but I need to say it. I'm right."

I could not say that he was not. But I just knew deep inside of me that this thing with Greg was something different. Much different. My feelings for him were much deeper than anyone could think. Our connection. I was not able to explain that I just knew that Greg was my soulmate. But still, Mark would definitely say that I could not be confident about things that Greg thought. I was sure that Mark would not be right, but his warnings were important to me. It was a sign that he really wanted to be my friend. Not a friend with benefits. I was happy that I had someone to talk about my love interest. Even when he would not agree with me.

"I know what you'll say," Mark said. "Don't even try."

"It's different." I shrugged.

"No."

"Yes, it is. You should see him. His name is Greg."

"Nice ass, nice face, nice everything... Nicky, stop it."

"Believe me."

"I'd love to but..."

"What?"

"It's your life and of course I won't tell you what you must do. Maybe I'm really wrong? How can we know that at this moment? You're making decisions. If you want to try, you will. I can't stop you. You're an adult, Greg too. And by the way..."

"Yeah, he's not straight."

"Let me guess. Flirty and a tease?"

I nodded.

"Sweet type but can be annoying."

"Actually, he is." I smiled to myself. "And by the way, you were the same. Don't you remember? Flirty and a tease. He's a bit like you, I think."

"Stop changing the subject." Mark winked. "So he's making steps too?"

"Only he is." I clenched my lips.

"What? Are you losing your touch?" I was not surprised by Mark's reaction. He was right. When we met, I was the stronger side, I wanted to see him more, I made him attracted to me.

"When he's around, I act differently, you know."

"Oh no." Mark sighed.

"What again?"

"You're busted, man. Totally busted." He sipped his beer.

"Why?"

"'Cause you fell in love with this Greg. It's the only reason that you're acting differently. Amazing. Nicky will have the big thing."

I smiled.

"Whatever do you mean?" I said and looked thorough the window. In the sky were big and dark clouds. But it was a warm night.

"You didn't even deny it."

"What can I deny?"

"Exactly." Mark glanced at me meaningfully. "Maybe it makes sense, you know."

"What do you mean? Only my thing with Greg?"

"No. Not only that," Mark said. "I mean in general. I know that our relationship wasn't the best and we had a lot of rough days. Many times I thought that our feelings weren't true. Or maybe...I don't know. You're just different."

I whisked my eyebrows. I was not confident about his words but he did not want to say anything wrong. I knew that.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings, but when you love someone you love that person totally. And when you hate, you hate with every fibre of your being."

"I think it's not that bad," I added, not convinced about the meaning of these words.

Mark finished his first cigarette and took the next one.

"Maybe you're still in denial." He lit up.

"What? No, I'm far from that."

I understood what he wanted to say. But I could not let these thoughts into my mind.

"The shadow is always behind you. I'm not able to say what shadow and why you have it. Only one person knows that, and it's you." Mark inhaled the smoke. "Like yesterday. We talked on the phone and I just knew that you gonna say yes 'cause you can't shake off the feeling that you need to care about all the people around you. And no matter what you think about them, in a positive or a negative way. Sometimes it's bad. You can't make everyone happy. But there is nothing naïve in your behaviour. It's deeper, it's..." He made a short pause. "Calculated."

I snorted and looked at the glass of beer.

"I'm saying that you're my friend and your need to repair all the world destroyed us. Destroyed me."

I swallowed saliva and compounded my eyes.

"I..." I was trying to say something, anything...

"Don't say sorry." Mark stopped me. "It's not necessary. The past is behind us and life must go on. We can't think too much about it, right?"

I knew that I was a part of the reason why Mark left Vegas. But we never said it. Not me, nor him.

"Why are you saying this?" I asked.

Mark sighed.

"Maybe I don't want you to screw it up again? I don't know." He shook his head. "I care about you more than you think or even I think. Maybe I want you to be happy. Maybe..."

"Too many maybes, Mark." I cut his words up. "I know what I want."

"Are you sure?"

"Mark, what's your point? I'm not in denial, I know who I want, I just know what's good. Finally."

Mark turned his head from me and clenched his lips. Did I see tears in his eyes?

"Many things are before you," he said after a minute. "Before you'll be sure about Greg, you need to overcome a lot of obstacles." There was a short pause. "And yeah, finally you know what you want and what to do."

I sighed. I was not sure why our discussion changed so dramatically. Before, I thought we would chat and just have fun but now…I regretted that at first, I imagined only his annoying side, did not think about his good advice and his devotion, honesty. Even when Mark played tricks on me, he wanted to say something to me but I was not always listening.

"Did I hear Greg when I called you?" Mark asked suddenly.

I nodded.

"What was this break up about?"

I glanced at him and I hardly recalled that I had the break up with Roger that day.

"I was with someone for a long time. His name was Roger and he was a cop," I said but was not looking in Mark's eyes. "He was in the lab a few times and he noticed me with Greg. He started to be jealous and I ended up single." I sipped beer.

"Did you cheat on him?"

"What? With Greg? No. I told you, I'm not so close to Greg," I added. "Maybe one day I will be."

Mark smiled.

"I can only wish you luck. Try to not lose this chance."


	4. I Thought You Would Come Out

"Detective Secula," I greeted when I saw a tall blonde in smart, dark clothes. She gave me a wide smile which was quite coquettish. I did not like it, but I could reply in only one way. "What we have today?" Her next smile of red-painted glossy lips showed white teeth. "Stop these secretive smiles." My voice, again, was too kind. She could interprete it as flirting.

Damn, why I was flirtatious around the people in whom I was not interested?

"Joyce," she added with a grin. "You can call me Joyce."

"Right, Secula," I answered kindly and glanced. I noticed a small blush. I did not understand why she reacted like that. I had done nothing. She was finding clues to catch me in my every word and every expression. "So?"

"Old man, stabbed ten times. Three times in the chest, once in the neck, the rest in the stomach. We identified him from his driving licence. His name is Paul O'Brien, he's from Vegas..."

"What?" I asked her suddenly.

"What what?" She looked at me, surprised.

"Did you move the body? Did you check the pockets?"

"No." Secula shook her head. "We found his driving licence six meters from the body," she said. "Nobody touched it," Secula added quickly.

"OK." I nodded and stopped to listen to what she was saying.

I found Paul O'Brien's body, all covered in blood, dumped in a trash container. I took out a small flashlight from my vest pocket. I climbed on a container and lit up the body to see more details.

"Coroner is on his way," Secula said from behind me. I knew why she was standing there. I felt her eyes on my back. From up and then down and down. It was really irritating but I could not say so. I was in my new pair of jeans and still did not feel too comfortable in them. But I noticed Greg's more intensive looks at my ass. I should get used to these kinds of clothes and buy them more.

"He died few hours back," I said. "Blood is not flowing, the wounds are dry. No blood spatter on the inside of the conatiner. He was stabbed somewhere else." I bent a little bit more. "Damn, where's Warrick?" I asked myself. Luckily, Secula did not answer this question.

I jumped off the container.

"We need to wait for him and the coroner." I slipped off my black gloves and wore latex ones.

"A few minutes," she said quietly.

"Yeah." I nodded but did not look at her. "I think it's Warrick." I noticed his car parked beside mine. "Hey, Rick. You're late, man." He came out from the car.

"Sorry." Rick rubbed his eyes. "I had a nap at home."

I grinned.

"Sure, a nap."

Rick glared at me angrily.

"Nap, man, a nap," he said when he came up to me with his kit and camera. "What do we have today?"

"Dead old man in the dumpster. Stabbed," I said. "We're waiting for the coroner."

Warrick nodded.

"Oh, do you know detective Secula?" I pointed to her. "She took our course a few weeks ago."

"Who?" he asked, not very consciously.

"Man, wake up."

"Right." Rick glanced at her. "Hey." He waved slightly with his palm. "The coroner is late."

"You were, too," I added.

"Five minutes."

I laughed.

"Grissom would kill you."

Warrick sighed.

"So what about your date?"

"What?" I looked at him startled. He gave me a meaningful look. "Oh, the date with the girl," I said a little bit too unsteadily.

"Who else can you have dates with?" Warrick asked with the widest grin that I had ever seen.

"Yeah, who else." I laughed nervously.

Mark's words came to my mind but I wanted to throw them away.

Secula was observing me like some kind of strange and dubious predator. Warrick did not care about her. I was trying not to turn to her and say that I wanted her to stop staring at me. And of course she was listening carefully to our every word. Surely she caught the talk about a date and my reactions. She would not consider that I was embarrassed because of my real preferences. Definitely, she saw it the way she wanted to see it. Secula thought I was just a shy type of guy.

"So, how was it?" Warrick asked. "Something after, maybe some future plans?" He smirked.

"Shut up." I cut his words up. I was close to saying _he_ but at the right moment I bit my tongue. "She just wanted to see me as a friend."

"No score, man." Warrick came up to the dumpster.

"I told you to shut up."

Warrick grinned. He climbed on a container like I did a few minutes back.

"No blood spatter," I said when Rick turned on his flashlight. "The killer dumped him here when the guy was already dead."

"I see." He nodded. "Like a piece of trash. He made someone really angry." Rick dismounted from the container. "You need to find a girl, Nick."

"No hurry."

Secula, just like I thought, heard every word. She could not pretend that she was listening to a police officer who was hitting on her. The detective was glancing at me every second. I had goosebumps.

"I'm intersted in someone," I added.

"So you have a girl." Warrick winked.

Yes, I had a _girl_ who was working in the DNA lab. The sexiest _girl_ in the whole world.

I nodded.

Warrick gave me a conspiratorial smile and tapped my arm.

"Score, man."

I would love to, I thought. I had only a smile for Warrick.

"Hi, Dave!" The coroner was coming. "You're later than Rick."

"Sorry, guys." The coroner apologized to us. "Catherine and Sara have a double murder on the other side of the city. I'm the only one free 'cause the second coroner is ill. And you know that Doc doesn't like going to crime scenes."

We both nodded.

David came up to a container and jumped into it. He was really slow and we helped him a little bit.

"COD is..." David said when he crouched beside the body.

"Stabbing." Warrick ended David's sentence.

"Right." He looked at us. "TOD?"

"Few hours back," I added.

"And now I'll do what you can't." David grinned.

"Let me guess." Warrick smiled. "You'll measure the temperature of his liver."

David nodded.

"Do your work, man." I winked.

I could not stop myself from checking what was going on behind my back. I only glanced and noticed that Secula was busy with someone else at that moment. I sighed with relief. For a few minutes I was at peace. Warrick spotted my behaviour, so did David. They both looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

Both glanced at me meaningfully and smirked.

"Who do you want to kid?" Warrick asked me.

I whisked my eyebrows.

"OK... I have no idea what you mean."

"She's hitting on you."

"Rick, I'm smart enough to notice that." I gave him a mischievous smile. "And by the way, I'm interested in someone. And believe me, it's not her."

"I guess." Rick grinned. "Your last date was crap, I think your current love interest is still far from you..."

"You need a back up plan," David added suddenly.

I glared at him.

"What the fuck, guys! Back up plan? Do you hear yourselves?" I clenched my lips. "Back up plan." I snorted. In moments like that, I always wanted to scream _shut up, I'm gay_. Of course that would be the most stupid thing in the whole world that I was able to do when I was totally furious.

"Listen, David," Rick said. "Do you have your own back up plan?" He looked at the coroner.

"What do you mean?" David's cheeks turned to red.

"Oh, you know what." Warrick grinned. "Nick, do you know that David likes Sara?" he said to me.

"No idea," I admitted.

"I don't need any back up plans." David's voice was a little bit trembling and nervous. His big blush turned an even more intensive red.

"Dave, can you take out this thermometer from the victim's stomach?" I asked and pointed out that the coroner was still measuring the dead body's temperature. "If you want, Rick, you can stay here and collect evidence. I'm going to look around the place." I jumped off the dumpster. "Working is the best idea now. By the way, Secula mentioned that somewhere is our vic's driving licence."

"Of course." Warrick nodded. "Touchy subject," he added quietly.

I smirked and went away.

"Hey, Nick." I heard Secula's voice behind me. "Can we talk?"

I turned to her.

"I'm working."

"I know." She shrugged. "I just..."

"It's not the place for that kind of discussion."

I spotted that behind her Warrick and David were staring at us.

"And you both should work!" I shouted to them.

"Like you, Nick!" Warrick answered.

"You see," I said to Secula. "No place for that. Can you show me where you found the vic's driving licence?"

"Maybe later?" She asked with a sad face. And Secula did not mean work at the crime scene.

I sighed. I could not say just no. It was not fair. But for who? I always cared about people around me. I did not want to break her heart in that way. Hell, what I was thinking? What breaking? Like always, I was too kind for everyone. Especially when I did not want to hurt someone. But actually my behaviour was more cruel than telling the truth. Of course, not all the truth. I could pass over some facts.

"Joyce." The first time I used her name. "I like you." I was a liar. She was annoying as hell but what else could I say in this situation? Secula looked like she was close to crying in the next few minutes. Surely I noticed the first tears in her big, blue, sad eyes. It was an awful view, but I could only stare at it. I really needed to learn how to tell the truth. No more lies or I would have still problems when girls thought I was interested, not just friendly. "You're pretty," I added but was not sure about those words. It was probably the next mistake. Could I be even more stupid? "And yeah, I'd love to spend some extra time with you, outside of work." Yes, I could. "So?" I smiled. My most hated smile.

She nodded and gave me a cute smile which only a young girl in a high school could give.

I definitely wanted to practise my honesty. I had many problems with it. Why did I not say that I had someone? It would be easier for me, and even for her. Now I needed to go deeper and deeper into this situation. Why did I complicate everything?

"So this girl..."

"What girl?" And another very stupid move. Every time someone suggested to me that I was interested in a girl, my reaction was too slow and after a long few seconds I was able to understand that actually, again I thought about a man before I spotted that they had mentioned something different. Of course, Secula was used to the fact that I was scatterbrained sometimes.

I was so helpless.

"You know, that one who you like."

I could not say a word. Now she would think that my flirting skills were shabby. Honestly, they were, but only when women were trying to catch me in their sticky nets or when my beloved Greg was around. But with him it was different. I wanted to be in his sticky net and he could do anything he wanted with me.

"This girl...I don't know, maybe I have no chance..." I said. I was not able to believe that these words came out of my throat.

"You have one." She smiled widely. Because of that, I was so scared. "A big one."

"Yeah. Maybe later you'll tell me, 'cause I need to work." I acted like a typical coward but Secula was not confused because of my pointless and helpless behaviour. She was determined to date me at any cost, which scared me even more. "You have my phone. Just call me."

Her smirk was rapacious. She truly believed that she caught me. Actually, she caught me in some way. But I was like a little mouse in the claws of a bird of prey. I had no chance to win this time. I needed to surrender but I would find a way out from her nest.

"I like to make things clear. I know a nice restaurant." Oh geez, restaurant, again. "Cheap, good food, a nice place to get to know each other better."

Again I noticed Warrick and David staring at us. I wanted one of them to come up to us but it was impossible. They thought that I wanted to meet some girl.

"OK." I forced a smile. "Where and when?"

She gave me a location, and the day she wanted was my day off. I sighed. It would be hell, not a date.

I nodded.

"Alright. So, see you at dinner."

"Silly, we are gonna see each other at work."

"I know."

_Unfortunately_, I added in my mind.

"So, now I can go to work?" I pointed at a place behind my back.

"Sure," she said and went away to her police car.

I sighed with relief because that stupid discussion ended, but... I didn't ask her where the driving licence was. I almost trampled upon it because it was near to my right foot.

"What have you done again, Nick?" I said to myself and went back to work.

After a minute, Warrick came to me. I glared at him angrily. I noticed in his face that he had no idea why I was angry.

"Why you didn't help me?" I asked him when I stood up. I took a few pictures of the evidence and looked in my vest pockets for a small bag for it.

"What?" he answered, thunderstruck.

"Why you didn't help me?" I repeated the question. I found a bag.

"What the fuck, Nick?"

"Why didn't you come here and take this woman away from me?"

Warrick grinned.

"Man, you wanted to date her."

"I told you that I'm interested in someone else."

"I thought you were playing."

"Playing what?" I took the driving licence from the ground.

"Make her jealous and put her down to date you." Rick looked like he really believed in his version.

"Are you nuts? When I said I was interested in someone, it exactly meant that, right? No fucking playing."

"Calm down, man. Like David said, you have a back up plan now."

"But I don't want any back up plans."

"You should have one."

I really wanted to say to him that I could not have this kind of back up plan because I'm gay. But hell, there was no possibility of telling him, it was not a good day and not a good reason at all.

"So what, Nick?" Warrick asked. "Maybe you'll date Greg Sanders?"

I know that it was spiteful and said in anger, but I could not stop myself from replying.

"Maybe I should," I said loudly. "Fuck off, Rick. I want to work." I showed him my back and went to see the rest of the crime scene.


End file.
